I have days that just don't go as planned. A lot of them lately. I have been feeling overwhelmed and ineffecient, and when I feel overwhelmed, I start to feel insecure. That's when two very unwelcome visitors start to pop up in my head: The What If's and the Why Me's.
They don't visit very often, but when they do, it can really throw me for a loop. Since the last few years have been a struggle for me and my family, I could give you a laundry list of the What If's and Why Me's.
The first one is usually: What If Wyatt did not have Down syndrome? Then to: What If something happens to Eden? What If my Dad hadn't gotten sick and was still alive? What If I'm not a good teacher? What If all my hard work is for nothing? What if, what if what if....!?
And then there's the Why Me's: Why was I chosen to be Wyatt's Mom? (somebody must have some semblance of confidence in me). Why did I not find my Purpose until my 30's? Why do I have to drive such a crappy car? Why can't I seem to get organized in my house? Why did I have to lose my Dad? Why me, why me, why me...!?
BLEH! I hate those days. I hate those questions. But sometimes, in the midst of the What If's and Why Me's, you actually find the answers and some peace.
You see, I realize that I am the only one who was ever meant to be Eden and Wyatt's Mother. I was meant to lose my father when I was 35. I will work hard to be a good teacher. I will, one day, be able to buy a new car.
I will be OK.
Self doubt can lead to some terrible feelings. But God, IMHO has already done all the worrying for us. He has made us perfectly and wonderfuly, just as we are. He has a PLAN and a WAY set out for each of us. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy because of that, I'm just saying that's the way it is. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you; plans to prosper you and not to harm you." And sometimes, we can't see the forest for the trees. The day Wyatt was diagnosed, I was flooded with he ugly What If's and Why Me's (someday I will tell you about it). And to have thought then that I would feel like I do now about this awesome, [EXRTA]ordinary, perfect little boy...well you just never know where God is directing your purpose.
So, when the overwhelming self-doubt, that all of us experience in some way or another, comes shouting in your ear - tell it to hush. Someone's already got it all worked out.
Here's a wonderful example:
In my cruddy evening of What If's and Why Me's, I was given the gift of reading a beautiful letter that was written to a little [EXTRA]ordinary baby, Nora Rose. Nora's Mom, Aleisa, chose to carry her daughter to term after doctors told her Nora was likely going to die because of a disruption in the split of her chromosomes at the very beginning of conception. Nora ended up with three strands of the 18th chromosome, instead of two (Wyatt has three strands of the 21st chromosome, for those of you wondering). Despite the statistics and mortiality rates, my new, [EXTRA]ordinary friend Aleisa chose to continue her pregnancy, I'm sure with MASSIVE What If's and Why Me's. Here is an excerpt from her Blog about the answers to some of those questions: click here for Nora-4 days old. Get your tissues, first.